I've been very quiet online for the past while. All the stuff I promised to do pretty much didn't happen. I think you guys at least deserve to know why.
It's a difficult thing to talk about, since I don't know where to start. Yes, my dog died back in November. Before that time, my mother became ill. The thing is, she never got better.
It seemed like she just had a bad flu. Typical flu symptoms, coughing, exhaustion and whatnot. The flu cleared up after a few days, but her energy never came back. At first she could get around the house a bit with a walker. But then that became too much. We got her a wheelchair, and that was better, but her strength wasn't coming back.
Between October and now, my mother went from being able to walk slowly to not being able to get out of bed. Not being able to eat or shower or use the washroom without complete care from someone else.
And nobody knows what it is. I'm lucky to live in Canada where we have a socialized healthcare system. It's not as much of a financial burden as it would be if we lived somewhere else, but we don't have a diagnosis. We've done blood tests and had a CT scan, seen several specialists and everyone shakes their head. All we know is what it's not. It's not cancer. It's not chronic fatigue. It's not lyme disease.
My mother reassures me every day that she's getting better, that it's something she will push past, but that's not what the current evidence is showing. She can't sit up in bed without shaking uncontrollably. She can't hold the phone or a cup of water for more than a few minutes.
I am terrified by the idea of losing my mother. Especially so soon after losing my dog. Some days I literally don't know what to do with my body or mind. The idea of putting it all aside and doing work is pretty much impossible for me.
Having all of this happen so close to christmas has made me really think about what I have in my life. What my goals are. What I treasure. I look at friends posting about their new iPhone and other christmas gifts on facebook and I think about how I don't want any material thing in the world. I just want my mom back. I wish I could know what was wrong with her so that I could at least have an answer about whether she was dying or not.
I appreciate your messages of sympathy. I don't post this to try and round up comments, but I am thankful that others are out there. I can't reply to them all, but I do read them. I am simply at a point in my life where I am genuinely lost and scared and I don't know what to do. My goal is simply to get through each day, one at a time.
Wishing your holidays are much less of a disaster than mine,